Trannyshack or bust

I’m off to San Fran for a couple of days to be a drunken floozy.

A full report of the shenanigans will be posted at the end of the week.

Pretentious?

For the past few years, I have been trying to define both the gay and hetero nightlife here in San Diego. I had yet to come up with anything that would sting with brutal honesty. Tonight during my late night dinner with Woods, he put it best:

Generic.

Le weekend

Friday January 27th, 2006

11:47pm

The Key Club on Sunset Boulevard

Men’s Restroom

All stalls and urinals occupied by semi-drunk concert goers.

Drunk Random Hetero Dude at urinal #1: Can anyone tell me how long Ciailis lasts?

*silence*

Drunk Random Hetero Dude at urinal #1: Can anyone help me please? My buddy just gave me one and I want to know what I should expect.

*silence*

Drunk Random Hetero Dude at urinal #2: Sorry bro, I don’t know.

Drunk Random Hetero Dude at urinal #1: No one? C’mon dudes... I need to know. I just did some blow and I took a Ciailis.

Whip: *thinks to himself* His date sure is one lucky girl.

I love to suck...

Happy Birthday Burchie!

I love you.

ooxx

Tarnished

I'm off to Los Angeles for some debauchery... see you there?

Jesus does walk...

I just want to send a personal “Thank You” to all those crazy inbred religious nuts that have nothing better to do than harass television stations and/or caused a raucous because of a hyped NBC show that challenged your beliefs. I’m sure your priest at your local church is just one big stinkin’ saint. I know Jesus Christ was a true fan of the show – since I just talked to her last night and she couldn’t stop gabbing about how entertaining and honest it was. She will no doubt be pissed off now. I have a feeling she is going to spread some pixie dust on your children to turn them into one of those awful, immoral homosexuals.

'The Book of Daniel' Axed
Controversial new US drama The Book Of Daniel, starring actor Aidan Quinn as a pill-popping Episcopal priest, has been canceled. The show was a target for conservative religious groups who were upset that the main character, Father Daniel Webster, conducted regular chats with Jesus as he popped painkillers. The show also features storylines dealing with drug dealing, alcoholism and homosexuality, which also outraged religious groups, who petitioned to get the show canceled. A television station in Indiana had to post security outside their studios after receiving death threats for airing the controversial religious drama. Friday's installment of the show came in a distant third in its time slot and NBC network executives decided to pull the show. The show had filmed eight episodes but no new episodes are scheduled to air and will be replaced by coverage of the Winter Olympics.

On the flip side, I’m sure Jesus will be extremely honored that Kanye West posed as her on the cover of Rolling Stone. If you didn’t know, Ms. Christ is a devout Hip Hop fanatic. You would be surprised how much time she spends listening to Lil’ Kim, Biggie, and the Ying Yang Twins. Homegirl does a pole trick that would make the strippers at Jewel's Catch One blush.

West Causes Controversy By Posing As Jesus Christ
Rapper Kanye West has a new feud brewing with America's Catholic League after posing as the wounded Jesus Christ on the cover of the upcoming issue of music magazine Rolling Stone. Bloodied West appears wearing a crown of thorns on his head in a provocative shot, which has upset the religious group's leaders, who are calling his latest controversial act "offensive" and "trite." Catholic League spokeswoman Kiera McCaffrey says, "It's moronic. I mean, Kanye West as Jesus? He's a pop star." But the Jesus Walks rapper insists he has a lot in common with Christ because he has to fight for recognition and suffer for success. In the accompanying article, West talks about the criticism fired at him last year when he famously suggested President George W. Bush was a racist during a Hurricane Katrina telethon, and criticized the US leader for not reacting to the disaster quicker. He explains, "If I was more complacent and I let things slide, my life would be easier, but you all wouldn't be as entertained. My misery is your pleasure." In the Rolling Stone spread, West also poses as boxing great Muhammad Ali.

Actually, after re-reading that article, doesn’t it sound like Kiera McCaffrey really wanted to say "It's moronic. I mean, Kanye West as Jesus? He's a black."

Whiplash’s favorite little quips of 2005

Ok, there were so many but I narrowed it down to two...


Folsom Street Fair Monday

Woods and I are walking down Market Street back to the Renoir Hotel from the Fossil shop. As we move through the very busy sidewalk, we pass a strip club. In the front of the somewhat seedy establishment there was a stripper covered in a huge Parka sporting, what looked like, a new weave which was hella cute and some fucking awesome hooker heels. She was standing with the bouncer just chit chatting and shooting the shit. As we passed, this is what happened...

Stripper: No good looking men ever come in here...

Stripper looks at Woods and I

Stripper: See... why are all of the cute ones gay?

Woods and I chuckle as some random hetero dude walking next to us responds...

Random Straight Dude: Hey, I’m cute!

Stripper looks at Random Straight Dude in disgust

Stripper: No, honey, you ain’t.

Everyone around and in front of the strip club howls with laughter while Random Straight Dude continues to walk, from that point on, with his head down.


A random Saturday night in December

Timofy, Woods and I met up with Miss A, Ay and Ty at Hot Dog in West Hollywood. Woods and I arm ourselves with the digital camera for the night so we can capture every single shred of the delicious fun. As Timofy approaches the stage to slide a dollar bill down the g-string of an all-tit-out female go-go dancer, this is what happened...

*snap*

Whip takes a picture of Timofy inserting the bill into the g of the unnamed Go-Go Dancer

Go-Go Dancer leans over to Whip and puts her mouth close to his ear

Go-Go Dancer: Please erase any pictures of me!!!

Whip: Huh?!

Go-Go Dancer pulls back and resumes the slithering of her body on the platform

Miss A walks over to Whip

Miss A: What did she say to you?!

Whip: She wanted me to delete all of the pictures I had of her.

Miss A pauses for a moment to look at the Go-Go Dancer, then responds to Whip...

Miss A: Probably because of that cottage cheese!

Obviously referring to her not so worked out thighs... Cottage Cheese is born!

Whiplash’s Top 10 Films of 2005

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OK, like, here are my two cents for the ten best flicks of 2005...

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Chicken Little
I want to take Runt Of The Litter in full tranny gear to Dragstrip66.

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Sin City
Miho so horny ...and wet.

Crash
The only film in quite some time to stir up my emotions so much that I almost could have cried right there in the theatre.

Breakfast On Pluto
A brilliant screen gem about an Irish tranny named Kitten played by Cillian Murphy who looked damn hot in those frocks. Liam Nelson wasn’t too shabby either. ;-)

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Loggerheads
Completely thought provoking and genuine... I can never look at Bonnie Hunt the same again – in a good way of course.

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Palindromes
A one of a kind classic from genius Todd Solondz that tackles so many taboo subjects I’m surprised it wasn’t boycotted by those mondo insane Right Wing fanatics.

Pretty Persuasion
Picture “Mean Girls” getting date raped by “Heathers” then becoming pregnant only to have it aborted and thrown into a dirty needle infested trash can – that is how I describe this wonderfully devious, calculated, and structured piece of celluloid.

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The Devil’s Rejects
A cinematic spinal tap of much needed 1970’s grittiness... all thanks to the great Rob Zombie.

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Mysterious Skin
Gregg Araki’s finest work to date... other than discovering my gorgeous wife Rose McGowan.

El Crimen Perfecto
Álex de la Iglesia’s truly original, dark, campy, mind fuck, subtitled, thriller that could only come from Spain.

Members of GLAAD wear red bandanas... on the right side

Two more reasons why I cannot stomach GLAAD, and their silly witch hunts:

Gay Rights Group: "'American Idol' Is Homophobic"
Bosses at America's leading gay rights group are demanding a summit meeting with the producers of TV talent show American Idol after claiming the program is "increasingly homophobic." Officials at the Gay And Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) were appalled by homophobic remarks made by judges Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson on the first show of the new season, which aired in America on Tuesday. On the program, Brit Cowell told one effeminate wannabe to "shave off your beard and wear a dress," while Jackson asked another audition hopeful, "Are you a girl?" Both contestants were rejected. Now GLAAD bosses are fighting back, demanding an audience with Idol bosses. A spokesman tells entertainment news website TMZ.com, "GLAAD is reaching out to the show's producers to discuss our concerns and the concerns of community members and allies, who have contacted us about this matter."

TV Bosses Defend Outrageous Mizrahi
Bosses at US cable channel E! are standing by controversial fashion designer Isaac Mizrahi after he was publicly criticised for risque acts and comments at the Golden Globe Awards last week. Mizrahi groped actresses Teri Hatcher and Scarlett Johansson, asked Eva Longoria about her pubic hair and insisted on prying in handbags as he co-hosted E!'s red carpet coverage. But TV executives have booked the style king for their upcoming Oscar night coverage in March. Although none of the stars have complained about Mizrahi's conduct, officials at America's Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) have complained about comments Mizrahi made to Charlize Theron about her Oscar-winning performance in Monster, during which he called her character "a scary dyke with bad teeth." A spokesman for the network says, "We wanted someone who would bring surprises." But bosses at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, which runs the Oscars, are planning to discuss E!'s coverage in a bid to make sure their guests aren't insulted by Mizrahi. Spokesman John Pavlik says, "We would be extraordinarily angry if that sort of thing happened on our red carpet."

Honestly, who gives a shit about some comments made by Simon, Randy, or uber-queen Mizrahi?

Maybe if GLAAD stopped awarding “heterosexual” actors who play “gay” in television shows and films, they would be able to pull their heads out of their asses and make a fuss over something that is ACTUALLY defaming.

He may have had eight inches, but I swallowed ten...

Another wonderful weekend spent in my future home of Los Angeles. Trannies, trannies, and more trannies! And I thought I had my fill of trannies in 2005. Here is a brief recap of the festivities...

Sunrize Highway’s show at the Cavern Club

Highlights: Miss Highway making the entire audience of 12 or so hootin’ and hollerin’ so loudly it sounded as if the entire club was jammed packed, the San Diego bitches loving the show, Sunrize’s banter, singing, wig & outfit.

Lowlights: The poor turn out.

WigOut

Highlights: “Bareback Mountain”, Marianna, Squeaky Blonde, John Quale, Kielbasia, E & her shoes – and her fondness for Jagermeister, Squeaky’s love for head butting, DJ Roddy Bottum, Heatherette's Richie Rich mulling around the crowd, "stuuuupeeeeed!".

Lowlights: CreekBird – his performance has permanently damaged me.

Brokeback Mountain

Highlights: Ang Lee’s direction, movie being very thought provoking, all the actor’s performances – especially Anna Faris, Linda Cardellini, Michelle Williams, and Anne Hathaway.

Lowlights: In my personal opinion, it didn’t live up to the hype.

Varla Jean Merman’s “I’m Not Paying For This”

Highlights: Varla swinging from a “vine”, “Touch me!”, pickles, Varla’s talent of singing and changing outfits... at the same time, serpentine, Timofy loving the show, seeing a picture of Es Spicy Hilton prior to the new nose and bad dye job, "Witchy Woman".

Lowlights: WeHo homos snobbery, the long line, not so comfortable seats.

iCandy Lounge

Highlights: Stoli.

Lowlights: Pretentious queens, queens and more queens.

Los Tacos

Highlights: The food.

Lowlights: Crazy homeless man-thing who went berserk, flipped off the entire restaurant, and slammed his fist into the glass door.

Spit @ Faultline

Highlights: DJ Paul V.’s selection of tunes, Squeaky’s quote regarding getting tripled plugged in the bathroom, E & her shoes – and her fondness for Jagermeister, Woods’ view of Fade-Dra unmasked, Mnky and the boys, the smell of a real man’s bar, M.I.A., GoGo Eddie, crowd yelling out “Britney” and “Ashlee Simpson” to the queen who said no to any and all “AC/DC” songs, Woods stuffing dollar bills down GoGo Eddie’s undergarments, Lil' Kim, talking about Echo Park with E, free promo CDs, beer.

Lowlights: Conceited queen on stage “trying” to go-go dance and demanding money to be given to him if he should go-go dance, Timofy’s glazed look after drinking numerous cocktails, Jagermeister, my stomach ache.

Hamburger Mary’s Los Angeles

Highlights: Our server Candy and her quote regarding her heterosexual dating options in that establishment: “I’d have a better chance at a Klu Klux Klan rally”.

Lowlights: The food.

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*drumroll*

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And now some visuals from "le weekend"...

The lovely Sunrize Highway with a smirky Woods and "smile-friendly" Whipster.

Bareback Mountain with Jean Natalia and Kater Masterbater.

The non-lesbiana Columbiana Marianna.

The trauma-inducing CreekBird.

Timofy’s infamous “oh no you deden’t” look.

The one and only Squeaky Blonde sporting a white gothika ensemble complete with skulls.

Whip assisting E with the flaunting of her shoes which are mysteriously missing.

San Fran chums Kielbasia (the Polish lunch lady) sans accordion & Squeaky.

The not quite drunk wallflowers Whip and Woods.

Timofy flirting it up with Martin Zungo’s “cousin” Marianna.

A blurry Squeaky couldn’t help shaking her shimmy on the dancefloor.

Post Stoli & Coke Timofy with a Amstel Light sipping Whip.

Cottage Cheese awaits!

Work totally bites the big one today. This has to be one of the worst days for shit to hit the fan. I have a crap load of tasks to complete before I leave this afternoon. It also looks as if this girl will be in the office on the weekend. How nice. That means I have to come back from Los Angeles early on Sunday so I can catch up on work since The Client’s DingBat royally slacked off again. Nothing fucking new there... The DingBat is a complete incompetent. I still have no clue how the hell she is still employed there after all of her fuck-ups. *sigh* At least the weekend promises to be mucho exciting, and a much needed stress release...

Hilary Duff is in desperate need of a pearl necklace

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Last night Timofy and I caught “Cheaper By The Dozen 2” at the local AMC. Being a fan of the first one, I had a desire to see the sequel. I know its total Hollywood bubble gum Christian family crap, but hey, movies like this are entertaining to me. And I’m not afraid to admit it! =)

Anyhow, the only problem I had with the movie was Hilary Duff’s veneers. I mean c’mon, what the hell was she thinking? Every time I saw them I thought of Ross on that episode of “Friends” where he got his teeth bleached. I was terrified the minute she appeared on screen. Timofy leaned over to me at that point and said “Damn, she looks old”. I had to agree. She looked like an old woman with dentures. Scary. Especially considering she is only like 18 years old. At least the upside to this was Miss Hilary had limited screen time. I guess scheduling conflicts caused her only to be available for certain scenes. For example, she mysteriously disappeared when the entire Baker family attended lunch at the Murtaugh’s compound “The Boulders”. Oh well, seeing Tom Welling in shorts made up for the lack of continuity.

He has nice legs... and they definitely look better from the back side.

Anyhoo, if you plan on watching “Cheaper By The Dozen 2” anytime soon, please have a pair of sunglasses handy so when H.Duff and her big bright monster teeth appear on screen you can save yourself from going blind. Those teeth plus knowing that she is currently dating a member from the faux punk band Good Charlotte just makes it all the worse.

Halo, dis iz Francois...

I’ve been attending Dragstrip66 religiously since November 2004. From the minute I was greeted by door whore GoGo Eddie, I was totally hooked. Every month I look forward to partying with those crazy ass trannies, booger drag queens, performance artists, WeHo/Silver Lake fags, gay-list celebrities, and horny str8 girls in a make shift venue located in LA’s gang ridden neighborhood of Echo Park. It’s a refreshing alternative to nightlife that can become somewhat stale and bland. And you can’t frown on a club that is always coming up with outrageous monthly themes. Some of my past favorites have been “Willy Wanker and Fudge Packing Factory”, “Scoutrageous Summer Camp” and “Back to Africa”.

Last weekend’s Dragstrip66’s 13th Anniversary was a complete hoot. All thanks to my fellow dragsters Miss A, Timofy, and Woods. Woods & I met up with Timofy & Miss A at her pad in WeHo for a few starter cocktails early in the evening. By the time we were all ready to head out the apartment door, Miss A and Timofy were feeling the jazzy effects of the Stoli. It was definitely a good sign of things to come. After a bite to eat at the WeHo locale of Cha Cha Cha, we headed over to The Echo to meet up with Mnky who introduced us to his friend “M”.

Even tho the “Dragstrip Digital Camera Curse” blessed us once again, we were able to document most of the debauchery with the following pictures...

A very liquored up and manly Miss A – check out that penciled in fauxstache.

The Dragstrip66 bitches... Miss A, "M", Mnky, Woods and Timofy.

Momma and Gina Lotriman (Mr. Dan) shake their tail feathers during the first two opening numbers in the spectacular Dragstrip66's 13th Anniversary Midnight Show.

Gothica dressed Miz Alana as Proud Mary performing "Proud Mary".

Dragstrip favorite Kay Sedia proclaiming her “queso” to her adoring fans.

The Boofont Sisters belt it out.

The promenade of trannies WERK the stage.

Special guest star the incomparable Varla Jean Merman.

Mnky and “M” smile pretty for the camera.

Paul V spun Madonna’s “Hung Up” which erupted into impromptu stage performances complete with lip-syncs, cock sucking and bare ass flashes.

One of the Madonna clones lapdancing the now notorious and very European tranny known as Francois.

Big flowered Kay Sedia and Stoli friendly Timofy... Echo Parque por vida.

A cracked out clone of LadyJ pulling a Jewel's Catch One on the dancefloor.

Timofy grabbing a dance with a wigless Cracked Out LadyJ Clone.

You can never really call it a successful night until money changes hands for sexual favors.

Typical open mouth Whip snaps a pic with Woods.

Tia Whiplash

Breaking news...

*drumroll*

It looks like this queen is going to be an aunt.

Oh.

My.

Gawd.

Can you believe that I’m going to have a nephew or a niece?!

*gulp*

*inhale good vibes*

Let me vent my frustration right now...

I hate The Client

I hate The Client’s BiR

I hate The Client’s DingBat

I hate The Client

I hate The Client’s BiR

I hate The Client’s DingBat

I hate The Client

I hate The Client’s BiR

I hate The Client’s DingBat

I hate The Client

I hate The Client’s BiR

I hate The Client’s DingBat





*exhale all the negativity*





Now let me tell you what lifted my spirits today...

Getting 7 hours of sleep

Coke Slurpee for breakfast

The end stages of my flu bug

Chatting with Woods about our first San Fran trip of 2006 taking place in three weeks

Running into my “special friend” at 7-11

Finding out Varla Jean Merman will be performing at Dragstrip66’s 13th Anniversary this upcoming Saturday

Welcome to 2006

Happy New Year!

I know it’s late, but would you expect anything less from me?

2006 has started off extremely interesting. Within the first six days of this year I have:

– been shitfaced
– lost a digital camera
– taken part in a ferocious make-out session
– innocently visited a sex club
– asked if I had any “blow”
– used a glory hole for satisfaction
– woken up in a daze wearing my clothes from the night before
– gotten annoyed by The Client's DingBat & an East County Fag
– drank two Bloody Marys
– watched porn
– danced around like a jackass to Marc Almond’s live version of “Sex Dwarf”
– devoured a wonderfully tasty grilled Swordfish
– enjoyed a beer
– sniffed & licked an arm pit (or two)
– found myself under the weather
– worked my ass off in the office
– propositioned by a female for a threesome with Woods
– received a phone call from my sister Mandah where she called me a "whore"
– approached with a question on what my “beige” hanky means
– purchased items in an “adult” shop
– met two guys named "Steve"
– spotted a well known drag queen out of face
– shot the shit with Timofy
– eaten at my favorite messican eatery Los Tacos
– updated myspace.com profile
– witnessed Woods and his facial hair attract the studs
– had “the talk” about the prejudice within the gay community
– spread apart some ass cheeks
– given a female go-go dancer my hard earned cash
– been told my “dream” go-go dancer is a bad lay (and annoying)
– almost started a fight with some WeHo queens
– listened to Miss A rant about her big dick problems
– dished insider Hollywood gossip with Mnky
– snacked on some Swedish Fish
– used a 37 cent stamp

If this is a prelude on how this year is going to shape up (except for the part with me all sickly), then color me excited.