The Case of the Plastered Bastard

I attended The Pretenders concert last night at the House Of Blues. The audience was filled with grey-haired hipsters, La Jolla Boxtox tragedies, and wildly trashed horny white women. This was all due to two things: The Pretenders obviously attracted an older group of music lovers, and the venue was restricted to twenty-one and over only. I was extremely happy that I could enjoy a cold Coors Light on the main floor while watching Chrissie Hynde strut around on stage.

All was going well until this piece of a drunken mess, I dubbed Fat Turd, started some bull with Woods and the people around us. He was purposely singing loudly in Woods’ ear, bumping into peeps with his grotesque beer belly, talking smack, being difficult with security, spilling a smelly margarita all over Woods’ jeans, and providing witty comebacks such as “tough shit”. This man was a class act – especially with the fashionable football jersey, dingy blue jeans, and white sneakers he was wearing. That outfit made him look like a big maroon and yellow balloon. Completely snazzy.

I ignored most of his actions, but at some point he started to irritate me. Maybe it was because he didn’t apologize for dropping that frou-frou cocktail all over Woods and the floor – which at that time had become a puddle that I was standing in (my Cons and the bottoms of my jeans were soaked). I had enough of his bullying, so I began to call him on his shit. He told me that it was none of my business, but the ‘spanic fag in me kicked in and I had to correct him that it was indeed my business. A few heated words were exchanged, and once the vocal level was elevated, his wife got involved. She agreed with me that he was rude and scolded him right in front of everyone. He was knocked down a peg or two, so he backed off. She made him apologize to Woods and myself. He said “sorry”, as well as shaking our hands confirming that “we” were “cool”, but I knew right there that he had no balls what-so-ever. Well, if he did, they were in his wife’s purse.

I do have to give the Fat Turd credit for coming up with one great line. During one of his intoxicated threats to Woods, he leaned over to him and said:

“If you weren’t with your life partner, I would mess you up right now”

LOL – fucking genius.