Madonna's dust infested vagina here I come...

I'm off to Coachella for debauchery with Woods, AP, Sad Girl, Des, and the rest of my Arizona homegrills. Expect a full report when I return.

I *heart* gay personals

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riDIKulous

It’s been a complete whirlwind of events today. Wells Fargo blocked access to my check card for “abuse”, I’ve had one hell of a headache, and I was notified that I will no longer be working with The DingBat. Obviously, the latter was the best news I could have received. I mean c’mon... no more stress, no more clean up, no more bullshit, and no more hours slaving over some task she couldn’t do. Actually I meant to say “she wouldn’t do”. I would even dare say “she refused to do”. She is a total lazy cumbucket.

The company I work for decided to move me to another team due to the fact that The Client has taken a chunk of the business elsewhere – well to our competitor, who I liked to call AnderSleaze. I can assure you that it is not because of the wonderful work that my teammates and I did/do. My co-workers and I have bent over backwards trying to cater to every wish for The (unappreciative) Client.

The Client’s BiR found a better deal thanks to the amazing powers of smoozing. All those hours on the golf course and those expensive dinners make a huge difference. It’s a shame really... the company I work for offers a great service to their clients, but in typical Corporate America fashion, The Client decided at the end of the day saving a few pennies is really more important – even when their cost is coming from a distributor that is doing a downright shitty job. I have heard horror stories about their kind of work. I would totally be embarrassed if I was the BiR – then again he IS a space cadet. But hey, that’s business, right?!

Considering that The Client is in no way saint like either, I can’t say that this whole situation is a surprise. You can catch their dirty dealings in the news on an (almost) daily basis. Sure they may come off to the public as God fearing, but when it comes down to the wire, those executives are just redneck slug trash... rich redneck slug trash. Of course.

Relaxation beckons

I have returned from another joyous weekend in LA. I finally got to spend some much needed time with my “Grace” – the one and only Burchie. She was visiting Cali all the way from Mass so she could get acquainted with the West Coast way of life since she will be moving here in August. It’s kind of funny how ever since I announced my plans to move up to LA that someone I love dearly decided to relocate to the same city I’m escaping. Oh well, at least I will only be a two hour drive away. Well, three hours during rush hour.

With her in town, I thought it would be a good time to show her my local haunts in LA. I had a great time attempting to mentally scar her with all of the shit I get into now. See, the last time I saw her was at her wedding numerous years ago. I thought it might be a bit of a culture shock considering that my life is surrounded by sex and trannies. Lucky for me, homegirl went into it with an open mind and came out having a blast. I am truly grateful to have a friend like that. I cannot wait for her ass to get out here so I can continue to expose her to some more wild shenanigans.

In a whip styled nutshell, here is how the weekend went...

Burchie finally met Woods.
Burchie purchased beverages at evil Starbucks. On discount.
Burchie shopped.
Burchie laughed at Lisa Lampanelli.
Burchie took in a Big Fat Dick.
Burchie ached looking at number 4.
Burchie met Tony.
Burchie became intoxicated.
Burchie got her boob licked.
Burchie stood in line with men to use the women’s restroom.
Burchie eyes were chock full of gay sleaze.
Burchie ate at Los Tacos.
Burchie purchased beverages at evil Starbucks. On discount.
Burchie strolled Venice.
Burchie lounged around Santa Monica.
Burchie wouldn’t shut the fuck up about Whip being “obnoxious”.
Burchie became mesmerized by Fade-Dra’s pink bush.
Burchie got towered by Squeaky.
Burchie ate Thai.
Burchie cringed at the drunken karaoke hopefuls.
Burchie tried to buy a hat like Whip’s.
Burchie loved Target.
Burchie feasted her eyes on "Adam & Steve".
Burchie got faux fucked.
Burchie had a Hot Dog.
Burchie didn’t want to feel like a whore.
Burchie grabbed a “handful” of Tim – the go-go dancer.
Burchie felt dirty.
Burchie danced.
Burchie got kissed.
Burchie ate at Los Tacos. Again.
Burchie read.
Burchie purchased beverages at evil Starbucks. On discount.
Burchie worked Hollywood Boulevard with her pimp Whip.
Burchie went to “Church”.
Burchie worried about getting to the airport late.
Burchie complained about the airport arrival time, even tho Whip got her there on time.

And last but not least,

Burchie hated Whip’s following nursery rhyme:

There once was a girl from Mass
Who refused to take it up her ass
She didn’t want to make a big raucous
Because her fag friend is obnoxious

I said “Praise Tha Lawd!”

The past couple of weeks I have been really digging some good soulful house music. Real gospelly, diva belting, End Up kind of stuff. It’s basically what’s been getting me through the work day, keeping my road rage to a minimum, and helping me focus while I work out at the gym. I need to rummage through my CDs to locate the rest of my house music stash. I have a few songs uploaded on my iPod, but I plan to reformat it with more of this music. It has done wonders.

I have officially dubbed this music “Sunday Service” – yea, well, because I feel like I should be in Sunday Service when I’m bopping along to it. Altho, I also feel like I should be wearing the Sunday Service garb with a lavish church dress, Payless shoes, big floppity hat, and a leather bound bible in hand. Good lawd! Dammit, now I want some Roscoe's.

My three fav tunes of the moment are:

- “Most Precious Love” (DF’s Future 3000 Club Mix) by Blaze featuring Barbara Tucker
- “Austin's Groove (Let Me Live)” (Erick Morillo Vocal Mix) by Kid Creme Featuring Shawnee Taylor
- “I Still Believe“ (Josh Harris Summer House Mix) by Rachel Panay

Now from feel good vibes of the choir to acts of sin... I’m off to LA this afternoon to cause a raucous with Burchie and Woods. Gawd only knows what kind of shenanigans we will get up to, but I’m sure it will be something devious. Altho, I know for a fact that it won’t be “The Zone” kind of action – unless Burchie grows a cock between now and midnight.

Momma, I’m gonna be bigger than The Beatles!

Awe, shit.

Why does my hometown get all the good stuff?!

Houston Back in Rehab?
Troubled diva Whitney Houston has reportedly checked in to a rehab clinic in Arizona in a desperate bid to kick her alleged drug addiction. The singer is seeking help at the Sierra Tucson clinic in Tucson, Arizona, according to news show Extra. The news comes just weeks after Houston's sister-in-law, Tina Brown, went public with her fears for the singer. Brown, the sister of Houston's husband Bobby Brown, claimed the soul star was constantly high in an interview with tabloid the National Enquirer. She said, "The truth needs to come out. Whitney won't stay off the drugs. It's every single day. It's so ugly. Everyone is so scared she's going to overdose." Brown also took pictures of her sister-in-law's sordid "crack den," which the Enquirer posted on the front page. Houston's representatives are refusing to comment on the latest rehab news.

Let’s try this again: Part Nineteen

So, like, I hung out with Timofy again this evening. It was a meal & a movie sort of thing. I have to report that it was a very typical T&A night... tepid at the beginning, cool towards the half way point, heated in the middle, smack dead creeping towards the last quarter, then warm (and almost lively) at the end.

The question I keep asking myself is “How can you have a functional relationship with a person whom you’ve had a very dysfunctional relationship with in the past?”

I guess time will tell if we are meant to be friends.

Fuck, just call me impatient.

Marieta, what is that dangling between your legs?

.

On Saturday night, I fell head over heels in love with Ramón Salazar’s amazing film “20 Centimeters”. This is what “Transamerica” should have been. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that “Transamerica” was awful in any way. I honestly enjoyed and love “Transamerica”, but I feel “20 Centimeters” was far more engaging than Trans was. I’m not sure what it is, but there is just something about this movie that sets it apart from the rest.

“20 Centimeters” focuses on a pre-op tranny named Adolfo, erk, I mean Marieta, who is living her life on a day by day basis waiting to rid herself of the, um, 20 Centimeters that stands in the way of her becoming a full fledged woman. For those of you not familiar with what the 20 centimeters refers to, well... um... let me say that 20 Centimeters equals 8 inches. Lucky bitch. Anyway, I forgot to mention that Marieta is narcoleptic which causes her to pass out at the bat of a false eyelash. During these down times, she dreams up elaborate musical numbers complete with outrageous set pieces and detailed choreography. When not asleep, she surrounds herself with numerous one-of-a-kind characters which definitely keep the story lively and fresh.

I do have to point out that this movie is not for everyone. Especially those who are easily offended by on-screen visuals of gigantor sized tetas, bush covered vaginas, man-ass, large cocks, cum loads, backside ramming, and the occasional botched real-life tranny. Obviously this was brought to the screen by a Spaniard storyteller, and not by a conservative American director. It was nice to see a movie that wasn’t made to tip toe around any particular subject. It was up front and honest – which only made it more enchanting.

I’ve got to hand it to Mónica Cervera who took the title role as Marieta. This part was created just for her, well at least it was rumored to be anyway. I was totally taken in by her presence every moment she appeared. The last time I saw her was in “Crimen Pefecto” as the unbalanced co-worker/stalker/blackmailer. Her performances in both of these films are totally wicked. I’m very curious to see what’s in store for her next.

Keep an eye out for Almodóvar regular Rossy de Palma’s character La Frío. She almost steals the show away from Mónica’s Marieta in their scenes together, but only almost.

The website for this movie states that it will be in the theatres sometime in May 2006. I’m most certain that it will be a limited release feature so if you happen to see it playing in your town, I suggest that you catch it. It’s nothing like you have seen before. Unless you spied out “Crimen Perfecto” – they are both very similar is style and direction. I don’t know what the filmmakers are drinking down there in Spain, but I think I need to get my hands on some of that.

Special K plus Hot Body minus Functional Erect Cock = White Party Weekend!

Take a moment and think about what is going on right at this moment...

In a swank upscale Palm Springs hotel room, there is a naked late 30’s-ish homosexual Caucasian male with a complete shaved upper body (which had recently been worked out in the gym for numerous hours), smothered in body glitter lotion, who is flying high on some unconfirmed drug, laying on his back, on a three hundred thread count covered queen sized bed, his chicken legs in the air, with a sadly limp six and a half inch penis, who has an eager asshole that is attempting to be ferociously plowed by a half hard bare seven inch crystal dick that is attached to some male who is almost a splitting image of him.

Of course there is a Brett Henrichsen MasterBeat mix being spun on an iPod on the nightstand – which is placed next to the Eros Lube, half empty bottle of Fiji Water, and silver Chanel sunglasses.

How many Easter eggs can you insert into your ass?!

.

TGIGF: Thank God It’s Good Friday

TGIGF!

Ok, like, not really, but it’s still Friday. That doesn’t mean shit tho since I have to work tomorrow. The DingBat poo-ed out a big fat turd the past few days which left K.Sum and I with a lot of pooper scooper action to do. Not pretty... so not pretty.

I have to say that it was a nice day today otherwise... I got paid, I had lunch with Raya and Woods at hetero corporate smooze headquarters known as Karl Strauss, and I got a new cell phone. I switched over to Verizon from Sprint (whom I was with for over two years). There was a better deal waiting for me at Verizon. So those of you who got free PCS to PCS minutes with me on Sprint... that is now dead.

Oh, my upcoming weekend will include many exciting moments such as cleaning up my boxes from Woods’ back bedroom, shopping for pink underwear, and looking for cock online only to be dissed because I’m not white. Fun times for sure!

What would Jesus do? ...if she had to pay $3.19 for Super Unleaded?

Gawd dammit.

Today is the first day ever that I spent over 50 dollars to fill up my gas tank. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking... “well, if you have a bigger car, you are going to need more gas, maybe you should get a smaller car.” You know what?! Fuck that. This entire gas situation is just down right wrong. I feel totally raped by those big wigs at the oil corporations. Those old douche bags are taken advantage of us. It’s a pretty shitty excuse to use “the war” as a reason to raise prices – which are skyrocketing at a Ripley’s Believe Or Not-like speed btw.

A couple of days ago, on my way home, I passed the Thrifty (a/k/a the poor man’s AM/PM) on University Avenue at about 8:15pm, and the going price for the “bottom of the barrel” Unleaded was $2.82. When I passed the Thrifty again on the way to the gym at around 9:30pm, the price for Unleaded was $2.89. How the fuck can it just go up 7 cents in less than 90 minutes?!

All of those bulletins I keep reading over and over again on myspace.com are totally right. We now think that $1.50 for gas is super cheap. Hell, $2.25 is considered a bargain. With all of this madness, I am preparing myself for everything else to go up in price. Soon we won’t have enough money to buy decent Angel’s Soft toilet paper from Target to wipe our asses with. Now that’s really fucked.

What’s next? Are we going to be told that Jesus informed these raggedy businessmen to up the cost of fuel? I wouldn’t be surprised since they are throwing religion around like it’s going out of style. Bloody morons.

I like to thank all of those inbred bible thumpers & power hungry small cock Politicians for using “religion” as a pawn in their agenda. The more this keeps being thrown in my face, the more I move towards becoming an atheist. I was raised as Catholic by my family, but I have yet to feel, or experience, the fruits of Jesus’ plan. Why would I spend my entire life dedicated to a “higher power” that no one really knows exist? Why would I want to wake up every Sunday morning to attend church were everyone judges you? (even with the bible says not to) Why would I ridicule myself because “god” doesn’t approve of my lifestyle? I do not, and will not, let myself become a Christ fearing zombie.

Eh, le sigh.

And to all of those uppity bitches in Rancho Santa Fe who are all for the immigration blocking bullshit, it will be a fucked up day when your housekeeper Socorro has to be deported back to Mexico. Who’s going to clean up after your bratty ass Banana Republic wearing kids while you are in La Jolla getting your weekly Botox injections, and getting finger fucked by your tennis instructor? No one, you gold digging cunt. No one.

The magenta hanky has been found!

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Oh craigslist, you slay me!

I like looking for cock online as much as the next fag, but sometimes queens can really take the fun out of it by posting ads that are just too audacious for words. And of course, when I come across an ad that I think is so pompous I have to say something about it... or better yet, blog about it. Yesterday I was scanning the many “men seeking men” ads on craigslist when I came across a personal so outrageous I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. I find it so amusing that people would actually spend the time to post something so idiotic. Then again, people must think the same thing about my blog. I guess that makes the world go round!

For your enjoyment, ladies and gentlemen, I bring you...

23 yr final attempt to find companionship(Serious ONLY please) – 23

Information on me provided at end of this ad

Alright everyone I know this is long but please bare with me and please read if you have an ever so slight to an honest interest in having a boyfriend especially if you are in that 23-28 age range. I have been here in San Diego for 4 years almost and I have been in one 2 month relationship. Never again will I date an immature 20 yr old, moving on here I am trying to decide if I want to stay here or move but companionship is becoming a critical factor and I want to stay here for I have built a life and a circle of friends. This post will have strict guidelines on what I am looking for but I ask if you’re not interested to please respond so I know there are people out there who fit this. I don't want anyone to feel left out so even if you don't fit requirements say hello I will take friends to even though that is not what I am specifically looking for.

Alright let me get the 2 biggest issues out of the way right from the gecko. AGE AND MATURITY If you are between the ages of 21-35 you are in a great age range for me. If you are 23-28 you have a bonus. If you are 18-20 you better be mature and be able to prove it.

Next looks

Ok this is flexible even though it may seem complicated but just what I like if you are short and I mean 5'4-5'9 you have a plus how ever I don't mind 5'10-6 any taller and I start to get intimidated, not good unless you are really close to my age and you can make it up with a personality. If you are older than me by at least 2 years and 6 foot+ I don't think it will work.

Weight is not so much a factor as long as it fits your height and it shows you are in good healthy shape. What I mean by this is for an example if you are 5'9 like I am; please do not weight 185+. I sure don't. If you have abs that show and/or a smooth body and/or and tan a plus to you as well. While we are on body I prefer Whites, Latinos, American Indian, anything with a light skin tone to hit however I am considering some Asians, as far as all others go, please I rather just be friends.

I know I am killing all of your time with this ad but I thank you all for reading it especially if you have gotten this far.

Final Requirements: MUST BE SINGLE and willing to go on a date.

Personality I won't ask for in here I will say I want to find out in person so here is the deal. Anyone who meets the description above, message me, I will respond with any questions I may have and any answer to your questions, if you are still interested email me back, I will then email you of a date and time where we can meet in a public place for drinks or a meal and we can take it from there. He is my little kicker, if we go out and enjoy 2-3 hours together (everything we do on separate tickets) I will take you out on a second date to a nice dinner my treat so the worst you get is 2 dates and a nice dinner. In your initial email please include the following:

Name:
Age:
Description of your personality:
Description of you:
If I am a type of guy you could be interested in :( yes or no only)
Occupation:
Anything else you wish to say:

Please also include a picture if you can (if you can't but have one available please state that. I know CL can't always process pics through there email system) Yes I have more pics available too, but I am posting one below so I need to see one before I send more out.

Me

Name: this will be in my first response to you
Age: 23
Description 5'9 150 brown hair/blue eyes average to swimmers build.
I am very active and enjoy many things. I am a full time student and I have my share of traveling which is something I intend to do more of. I can be funny on occasion.

Thank you for reading and responding to this post.

this is in or around San Diego wide

Personally, my favorite line is “I can be funny on occasion”. Now he sounds like a winner!

Put Your Stunna Shades On!

I logged onto to myspace.com this morning to check messages and the first e-mail I see had the following subject line...

update your blog bitch!!

It was no surprise that it was sent to me from the one and only Raya Light. I decided that I best get onto blogspot.com to update the blog due to the fact that I will be seeing her this upcoming week, and I didn’t want to suffer the wrath of an angry Raya!

Miss Light, this is entry is dedicated to you.

Actually, it’s not that I haven’t wanted to update the blog, it’s just I have been so bloody busy with work bullshit. Nothing new really. To be honest, it’s almost like having a dog. The DingBat takes a shit, and I get to clean it up. Well, in terms of audits, reports, data entry – that kind of nonsense. I did try to blog last Wednesday, but fucking blogspot.com was down and I couldn’t do anything. And when I was ready, I was bombarded with order writing crap, and looking up information online. It’s all so exciting! I know you all are just clamoring to have my job. Admit it.

Anyway, the past week and a half have been crazy otherwise. I attended DELUXE with Miss A and Woods on April 1st. I had a good time even tho I bailed on dressing up at the last minute. I had this real sweet idea of going as Starletta Jackson: Intergalactic Police. The theme was Science Fiction, so I thought I would sex it up as a tranny police officer hellbent on ridding of the universe of alien scum. With me having to work in the office during the afternoon, and the fact that I didn’t have enough money to purchase the remaining portions of the outfit, it was cheaper to pay full cover, wear a tie, sit in the shadows to watch Jackie, Squeaky and “I’ll tease you with my ass, but you can’t eat it” Go-Go Dancer do what they do best. I had a good time dancing to the music which was hand selected by none other than the great Lady Kier from Deee-Lite. I almost got star-struck for a moment when she told me I was handsome. *insert the redness of my cheeks*

I do have to say that the highlight to the evening was the incident after DELUXE at a very packed AstroBurger (now dubbed “AttackBurger” by Miss A, Woods and myself) which happened as follows...

-Miss A, Woods and Whip order food, find a nice table in the middle of the restaurant which is close the door that leads to the bathroom area
-Two hetero bitches (real females) on other side of door bathroom entrance decided to talk shit to a group of fags about fake D&G sunglasses (one of the Marys was sporting sunglasses – at 2:42am)
-D&G sunglasses homo & friend (who were sitting across the way from Miss A & company) talk shit back to the hetero girls (“My momma told me...” --- blah blah ---- “so shut the fuck up bitch!”)
-Tempers flare
-A cup of soda (probably Coke) was thrown by the fags at the heteros which hit the ceiling and dripped onto Woods
-Annoyed Woods gets up off his chair and heads to bathroom for a post drip clean up
-Miss A and Whip bask in the drama (and pure ghettoness) of it all
-Straight dude stands up to defend his hetero hoes
-Fags stand up
-Straight dude’s girlfriend mysteriously has the strength of ten men and holds her Gucci wearing metrosexual hetero man back
-D&G sunglasses utters: “Put Your Stunna Shades On” in the most queeny like fashion
-More nasty words exchanged
-D&G sunglasses throw a bottle of ketchup at heteros (incorrectly, mind you, and not very successful at that – the majority of it ended up on the floor behind him)
-Miss A & Whip run into the bathroom area, hide behind door only to look through the small round window making sure not to miss any of the “reality television” action, and to check their clothes for any signs of Heinz splotches
-AttackBurger workers do nothing, even when Miss A asked if they called the police
-Fight never flourishes since the queens end up leaving the building (talking shit with every little step, of course)
-Woods walks out of the bathroom still cleaning his jacket
-D&G sunglasses & buddy strut their way over to his yellow VW Beetle (and leaves two of his other friends behind)
-Straight dude’s girlfriend has a mental breakdown and cries her eyes out
-Hetero bitches who were talking smack sit calmly and eat their meal while ketchup drips down off the window behind them
-All patrons look amused, confused, annoyed and hungry

The whole time this was going on, I had this vision that they would fight, but not with punches and clawing, but in full on “Paris Is Burning” style. You know... like the voguing shit they used to do back in the 90’s. Well, I have seen it recently in clubs, but it was much fiercer back in the day. I could totally picture that D&G sunglasses queen shashing shaunting while uttering “WERK those stunna shades bitch!” to the classic tune “Beat That Bitch With A Bat”. E40 would have totally been proud.

Unfortunately, I didn’t catch any of that bitchfest on film, but I did get some interesting shots from DELUXE...

Welcome to DELUXE.

Whip all bug-eyed on the dance floor.

Miss A and Woods in a generic “singles night” pose.

Little Miss Go-Go Dancer tearing it up in the lounge’s cage.

Boo-ya! Massive dorkus Whip all shocked up with a teethy (and peek-a-boo titty) Miss A.

Woods shows Miss A a little love by sharing his mocktail.

DELUXE’s hostess with the mostest Squeaky Blonde shares the bright eyes with Woodster.

Squeaky shares more of the bright eye goodness with a cautious looking Whip.

Nothing says the party has started better than bubbles!

The incomparable Jackie Beat turns it out with a can of air freshener.

A portion of DELUXE’s exquisite go-go dancers.

The crowd rockin’ to Lady Kier’s sassy beats.

Whip in the middle of a DELUXE photo op that includes Squeaky, Evil eVA, Prince Poppycock, and “Girl In Brown Dress Who Tried to Steal The Show But Failed Miserably”.

More of DELUXE’s eye candy... look, but don’t stick your tongue up there – that lesson was already learned.

The deee-gorgeous Lady Kier takes a moment from manning the decks to take a pic with the (almost star-struck) Whipster.

The Backside Chronicles – Part One: Young Shiny Ass

The end of the “showing penis onstage” fiasco that erupted before Jackie’s “Baby Got Front” number.

Shokra WERKing the fabulous outer space ensemble.

The Backside Chronicles – Part Two: Old Droopy Ass

Miss A in a manwhich with New Friend In Leather Vest and New Friend In Leather Harness.

All smiles for Miss A and her New Friend In Leather Vest.

Even more DELUXE stunning visuals happening over the dancefloor.

The Backside Chronicles – Part Three: Miss A & New Friend In Leather Vest’s booty shaking moves!

“We’re not gonna take it!”