Cohabitate

The hardest part about living with someone is the space issue. Well, in my opinion that ranks number one. This would be assuming that the two parties living together are compatible with one another. "Somewhat" compatible is better than "not" compatible at all, but being "somewhat" isn't all that desirable to be honest. I think the majority of people want to live someone that they are "completely" compatible with (assuming those individuals want to live with someone). I have the "completely" compatible with Woods. Well, for the "lion's share" anyhow.

Lately, I've been feeling homeshocked. Homeshocked is a term I coined regarding how I feel living here at A2 (if it's even called that). The definition in a nut shell is: the feeling of having freedom but also having the feeling that you are trapped (i.e mentally or physically, hell even emotionally). I feel like I am experiencing all three of those examples.

So why do I feel this way? And where does that put me?

Yes, Woods bought a house: unofficially dubbed A2. In truth, it is HIS home. I only squat here. I'm a user, abuser, however you want to phrase my living status. I could be thrown out at a moment's notice with no recourse for myself.

I have no transportation. What was I thinking when I sold Betina to CarMax during the summer?! I can walk or take the bus, but the bus cost money. Which leads me to...

Oh yea, I have no income. Looking for work lately has been tough. I've been applying for jobs over the past six months (maybe not as ferociously as I should be, but I have made a conscious effort to troll the classifieds).

Woods cannot have a night's sleep without me next to him. Now I feel that I am in this position to go to sleep when he does, to wake up when he does, to follow. I don't like to follow his lead all the time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about following his lead, but I don't like to follow his lead (or anyone else's for that matter) to the point where it is considered a normal act. I feel responsible for his sleeping schedule. Since when has this become my responsibility?

No social life for me. I don't have any mates out here. I'm the boy in the bubble. I just can't co-mingle with just one person throughout my day. I guess no social life is a false statement. I have friends that are Woods' buddies as well. I just don't have "my own" friends. It's no one's fault but "my own".

No tricking as well. I've transformed into a 100% gym shower queen now. I honestly look forward to the post work out activities of showing off. This is where I have been getting my dose of my much needed narcissism. I've also added escaping to the internet for another source of needless approval. A chat room where I can show myself with or without apparel has become a common place.

Sad, really.

As I sit typing this, I don't want to go to bed. I want to liberate myself somehow, somewhere, yell, scream, figure out what the hell I am doing. I'm a flurry of emotions: annoyed, angry, bored, suffocated, bewildered, erratic, cold, confused, lifeless.

Woods just came over to me from the other bedroom where he was thought to be asleep since he was falling over from his upright position on the futon due to fatigue much earlier in the evening. As he speaks, I sense a guilt trip coming on. He rubs my shoulders for a moment, then speaks. I stand corrected. The question brews about my whereabouts from the queen size bed. I close my eyes and sigh.

I don't blame him for being flustered with me. As I don't even know what is going on. But on the same token, I don't know if he realizes that I am at a crossroads with myself. And on how I feel. I know I have had many talks with him over the past year regarding individualism, being in a partnership, depression, and my self-blockage but at times I feel that it's all just disregarded. Am I not having enough conversations with him? But how many conversations can you have about the same subject?

At least I can honestly say that I know who I am = a irresponsible slut who lives beyond his means.

For the time being, I guess I will attempt to place all of these puzzle pieces together in hopes of a clearer picture. Maybe I will come to a realization once my birthday passes tomorrow. As another year goes by, I need to ask myself "have I matured since my last birthday?" I know I haven't, but maybe this is what I need to work harder this upcoming year on figuring out this life of mine. All I can do is hope for the best.

*crossing fingers*