I've wasted the day today. It's almost 5pm and I haven't done anything considerably productive. I did clean out about 30% of useless crap from one of my Yahoo e-mail accounts which took me about 2.5 hours to complete. I'm quite happy about that doing that. Otherwise I feel I've just completely misused an opportunity to continue one of the projects I was working on yesterday.
I went to bed annoyed last night so I woke up in quite a funk this morning. I had laid in bed with my thoughts this morning for quite a long time before physically getting up. I so did not want to begin the day. When I finally did, I jumped into my e-mail. It honestly helped to clear my head. Funny how mundane tasks like that can help you overcome some kind of issue you may have.
I was quite irked with Woods last night. It all stemmed from some issues regarding misunderstood comments, cockblocking, and personal space. I see things a certain way, and obviously Woods views them another. I referred to the problem as being "big brother-ish". I was almost going to say "big daddy-ish", but I refrained from using such a cunty remark. I sometimes feel that I am constantly being watched, evaluated, and sized up. This is what I felt was the direct case last night.
See individualism is very important to me. As is a sense of freedom and personal expression. If I feel that is being compromised, then I have a tendency to rebel. I am not quite fond of anyone constantly being attached to my hip. Or vice versa. And variety is key. What I may like on one day, is not what I may like on another.
This has been an ongoing concern over the past few years. It has gotten to the point where I find myself making quite obvious attempts to separate myself from him at times. It can be quite hard when we are constantly together. I would say that the majority of my time is spent with him... say about 80%, and the time that I am in the vicinity of him is close to 100%. Even when I am not doing the same thing he is, he is the other room, next shower stall, next swimming lane, in the webcam room watching me, and so on. I guess you can say that I feel smothered.
I told him last night that it is my issue, and I'll drop it. To be honest, it is. Mainly because I haven't done anything about it. I have no friends in the local area other than Woods. And when I have made attempts they usually fall flat due to numerous reasons that could be reserved for another post. Yet another whiny post. Boo-hoo.
What I am saying is, for once I would like it to be just Whip. I know, how selfish. And yes I am. At the same time, I honestly do love my time with Woods. We are a perfect match. He is my number one. But regardless of that reason, I still need time that is not at the eyes of Woods. I am not sure he understands that. Not sure he ever will. All I can do is continue to work on the problem at hand, on my own identity, and make myself happy. I don't feel I need to work on my communication with Woods, or make him realize how important he is to me... he should know that by now.
What we both need to work on is finding our own distinctive entity because I am afraid that if this problem isn't resolved soon, then I will end up pushing him away. And that is not what I want.
1 comment:
ell since i'm yet again getting publicly berated, it's only fair that i have a chance to comment upon what is currently a one-sided view.
nar⋅cis⋅sism [nahr-suh-siz-em]
1. inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.
2. erotic gratification derived from admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.
first of all, how typical of a narcissist to think that everybody has nothing else better to do than watch him! really, i love you dearly, but it truly isn't all about you.. i have my own identity.
also, previously you have described yourself as an exhibitionist, so by definition, you're supposed to like being watched!
ex⋅hi⋅bi⋅tion⋅ism [ek-suh-bish-uh-niz-uhm]
1. a tendency to display one's abilities or to behave in such a way as to attract attention.
2. a disorder characterized especially by a compulsion to exhibit one's genitals in public.
obviously from the 2nd definition, you are most definitely an exhibitionist.. lol.
so, if you are going to engage in showing off and getting up to shenanigans in public settings like gym showers or internet chat rooms, you should accept the fact that whomever is present may be watching.
as you know, i am by nature both curious and observant and i do like to analyze (such a scientist), but i have never passed judgement on you. in fact, i have only ever encouraged your individuality and creativity. i am always happy to be with you and proud to stand beside you, but when you need time to yourself, i am respectful of that. whether you are in my vicinity when you do that or choose to go elsewhere, that is your choice.
finally, just to set the record straight, there was no cock blocking involved.
"Big Daddy" Woods
ps- it's already well established (and admitted in your own blog) that you are a cunt. Coño!
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