In Need Of Head (hunter)

I'm so over not working. Yea, it was cute for a while, but I'm honestly done with it. I guess I've been done with it for a long time, and maybe it has had an affect on my overall well-being and mental state when I come to think of it. It gets to down when I reflect on the last few years. I kind of wish I didn't decide to go the "personal time" route when I got laid off from my last job what feels like eons ago.

Now here I am - frustrated, looking for direction in my life. Should I go back to school? Should I attempt to find full time work during this economic climate? And if I do even find work, how will I do with making less money than I did when I was working? Hell, at this point, I guess some money is better than no money. But it also makes me feel like I'm starting all over again in the employment field. And that just bothers me to bits.

Here's the thing - I've always been one who loved to work. Early on, I loved actually being at work even tho I wasn't into the whole seriousness of it. I was always a bit sluggish when getting myself into the mood, but child, one I was there, I was there 110 percent. And I've always been like this as far as I could remember - ever since my first position at NYSP when I was 14 years young. Granted, it was a summer job, but I truly loved it. And I never stopped. Until...

When I first got laid off while I was back in San Diego, I saw it as a new chapter in my life. A "what to do next" sort of thing. I conversed with Woods about moving to LA and within a matter of months, it happened. I was finally living in the city that I love. And I could thank Woods for that. But on the other hand, I should have said no to our discussions about me not working. I should have just moved here, got settled and look for work right away. Or at the very least, gone to school. But I didn't.

So here I am. A man/boy/guy filled with thoughts of "could haves", "should haves", and "would haves". A mountain of dissatisfaction, resentment, and irritation. I feel borderline depressed when I even contemplate the entire situation. I hate it. I hate not have the money like I used to. I hate not having the pride like I used to. I hate not having the social interactions like I used to.

Ugh, I could go on and on with this, but I need to stop myself. The only thing I can do in order to help myself is to get on track with this. And I feel I have been slowly. I have been skimming the employment listings on craigslist over the past two days and so far, I have found a few that I am interested in. So I think I shall finish up this rant and get to resume sending, because the only person who can get me out of this funk is myself, so I better not lollygag any longer. I've had my fun, and I'm ready to move on.